Husband

Kate Fratti, a columnist for the Bucks County Courier Times, always refers to her husband as Husband. As in: “‘Air's too dry,’ I explain to Husband when he comes home from work to find I've turned the kitchen into a Turkish spa.” Or : “In winter, I especially love waking on the morning after a heavy snow to look out a window and see Husband already halfway through shoveling out our cars.” Every time I read a reference to Husband, it strikes me as funny. I want her to write “my husband,” “the Husband,” or “Fred,” but only if “Fred” is his name. When I really think about it, though, her choice of “Husband” isn’t as strange as I initially assumed it to be.

“My husband,” is what pops into my head first as the norm. I certainly talk about “my wife.” It’s a better way of referring to the woman I married, particularly in conversation. It doesn’t seem quite right to say, “Harry, I’d like you to meet Wife.” I don’t usually say “my wife” without throwing in her name. “My wife” all by itself implies a little too much ownership, and too little familiarity. It isn’t as strange in writing, but I could see where Fratti might be uncomfortable with it. It also doesn’t pop out like “Husband.” She could say “my Husband” or even My Husband,” but “Husband” still pops a little more by itself.

“The Husband” is another possibility. It isn’t part of normal parlance, so it has pop. It also, however, sounds a little like a title from an old B-movie. I can just see it in funky colors, and in 3D, surrounded by an explosive boundary, hanging above the picture of a large harry man in a tattered suit, holding a battered briefcase and drooling over large fangs. I can see why Fratti wouldn’t go with this one.

That leaves “Fred.” We all know Fratti’s name, but maybe she doesn’t want us to know Fred’s name. Maybe Fred doesn’t want us to know his name. Maybe he’s afraid everyone would recognize him, and start talking to him about his appearances in her columns. I can’t imagine that doesn’t already happen, but maybe it would happen more. “Fred” also doesn’t have much pop. If “Fred” is “Guillermo,” maybe there would be some pop. Maybe since his name isn’t used, we have to conclude it is more “Fred” than “Guillermo.” Besides, if Fratti used her husband’s name, she’d have to supply a name for Son and Daughter and Dog too.

So maybe, Fratti knows what she’s doing. What is certain, however, is that even little words like “the” and “my” have power. So, choose your words carefully. And read the words of others carefully, even President, Secretary of State, Speaker of the House, and Local Reporter.