Thursday, September 22, 2011

Pregnant Male Cats

Today I have concluded that I am in danger of being just like just about everyone else. I want fortune to smile on me and whisk me away to a life of luxury … and I almost believe that it will. That point was driven home to me today in a conversation I had with my wife about our cat. Our cat, Jordan, is 13 years old. He used to be a truly fat cat … borderline embarrassingly fat. His fat dusted the floor. In his old age he’s not that cat anymore. He’s half that cat. Recently, however, he’s been rebounding. He ‘s hungry all the time. In order to keep him from eating everything in sight instantly and then throwing it up, we are feeding him a little bits almost all of the time. Today, just before dinner, as I gave him feeding number two hundred and fifteen, I joked that maybe he was pregnant. My wife laughed … and said “yes!!! … that explains it.” Then, for a moment, I wondered if it could be true. I saw myself on the Johnny Carson show with my old pregnant neutered male cat … and undeterred by the fact that Carson has been dead for half a decade … I pictured the endorsement dollars rolling in. For that moment I wasn’t worried about whether we will be able to move into the perfect school system before next year. I wasn’t worried about how in the world I will get my old over qualified ass a job. I wasn’t concerned about the electrical issues in the bathroom or the crumbling driveway, neither of which we can afford to replace. I didn’t even feel any anger toward the groundhog that keeps obliterating my vegetables. My pregnant cat would save the day. He could buy me a greenhouse. Then I realized I wasn’t any different from the folks I mock for believing in and waiting on the American Dream. I’ve been waiting for things to happen to me too. I don’t believe in the American Dream, so I’ve had to move on to the mutant pet dream … but it’s really the same thing. I want to believe that the world is a happier place than it really is. I want to believe that if I just attend to my problems, good things will happen to me. I want to believe that all I have to do is work hard and I’ll succeed. I want to believe that my old cat is going to be around indefinitely. Because I want to believe those things, I’m an easy mark. If there was a racket preying on people gullible enough to believe their male neutered pets can be pregnant, I’d be in trouble. I’d be in trouble just like all the Americans are in trouble who are being hoodwinked into defending a system that gives them the freedom to wait for a miracle. We’re waiting when we should be doing … celebrating a fantasy when we should be writing our own story. I guess we all have a choice to make. Every day we have a choice to make. So far I’ve been choosing to wait for feline in vitro. Maybe I’ll make a different choice tomorrow. What about you?

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